The Motherhood thing is interesting. I feel like the world expanded
and shrunk when I became a Mom. The world is lighter
and heavier at the same time.
On the one hand, the world expanded because now I'm part of the "Mom Club" (duh!). I was so afraid that this club might just pass me by. Wow. I'm on the other side now, yippee! I can totally connect with the other members because I am, heart and soul, a Mom! I am honored and humbled by my experience so far. I'm just going to say it again: I AM A MOMMEEEEEEE!
Even more amazingly, I can walk into a room and easily find something to talk about with pretty much any other Mom there. You name it: pregnancy, labor, weight gain/loss, sleep (or lack thereof), poo...all so easy! This is not trivial; it is awesomely empowering for an introvert.
I love watching Beau as he's learning about the world around him. It is delightful to see his little face light up when he figures something out. I love how he looks at me before smiling at someone new. Smiling, babbling, wiggling 9-month old babies make almost everyone smile and that has lightened the world for me considerably.
On the other hand, the world also shrunk, and man, does the Mom Club make you pay your dues! This became excruciatingly clear in Moscow where there are language issues, traffic issues, expat cultural issues and a traveling-for-work-husband issue. In one fell swoop, my daily activities have pretty much lost all resemblance to what they used to be. And I admit it, I miss my old self that went along with those activities. The physical radius of where I go (which isn't often, particularly in the winter in Russia) has shrunk and I am alone with the baby for many, many hours. All the Moms out there already know about this baby-enduced solitude. It's like an extended, unspoken initiation ritual that you experience once your baby is home from he hospital. I don't go exploring with Siena anymore, and if I take the baby somewhere, we are reduced to the streets and sidewalks that are easiest to navigate with the stroller (ie not many, given the pothole-filled sidewalks in this city) and limited to the time between feedings or naps.
As my sister D pointed out to me early on after Beau was born, with a baby you quickly learn how to get things done in small, irregularly-spaced chunks of time, rather than several back-to-back solid hours all in one day. This is not good or bad, it's just the way it is. But again, I have to admit that I am feeling the loss of my old way of life. And yet, can I even begin to add up how many hours I spend in my special "nursing chair," just me and the baby? I don't want to! I know those are hours of sweet mother-son together/bonding time, but the days and nights often feel so long and so dark. We drift and shift between living room and bedroom and kitchen, if only for a change of scenery and a fresh set of toys. Siena follows us. So much time spent holding him, changing him, playing with him, making decisions for him.
The thing is, I am 100% sure that the world still would have expanded and shrunk if we were in the USA because this baby stuff is universal and all-consuming no matter what country you live in. I love the Mom Club and I'm totally jazzed about all the new stuff that comes with it, but I also feel that the weight of the isolation and the responsibility is heavy on my shoulders.
